Take Me Back to the Start
by Danielle Shepherd
Summary: The Doctor finally says his last goodbye to his best friend.


**Um, I'm not really sure where this idea came from. All I know is I was listening to The Scientist by Coldplay. This has taken me over a year to write, mainly because well, it's basically about the Doctor coming to terms and accepting the loss of one of his best friends and maybe also the fans coming to terms with it all. Anyway enough of me rambling on. Reviews are loved muchly.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters mentioned in this piece, I also don't own any of the lyrics to The Scientist, or any dialogue that you recognise from various episodes of Doctor Who and The Sarah Jane Adventures.**

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The silent figure walked among the many rows, one hand clutching a simple bouquet of flowers. They were nothing special, just a simple arrangement of lillips (a combination of lilies and tulips) from the planet Cassiopeia which had been one of her favourites out of all the planets that they'd visited. The white marble glinted dimly in the moonlight and he placed the flowers at the bottom of the marble.

"Sorry it's taken me a while to come and see you. I just haven't been able to accept it. This sort of marks me accepting it, I suppose. Makes the fact that you're no longer here all the more real." he said placing a hand on the cool marble. He sighed and sat down on the grass, he was getting old and had said far too many goodbyes in recent years, to many of his friends who should still be here like Harry and Alistair. She definitely should still be here, not struck down in the prime of life, not while she still had two adopted children who needed her.

It seemed as though they were always saying goodbye these days. Every time they saw each other, he looked younger, she got slightly older not that it ever showed. But he never dreamed that they would have a last goodbye. He always thought she'd be around longer than him. He'd always assumed that she would always be there for him when he needed some one to talk to.

He could remember the first time they'd said goodbye. Well it hadn't really been goodbye as he'd been about to regenerate but it had been her goodbye to his third self. He'd spent ages in the time vortex, working his way back from Metebelis 3. He hadn't been sure of where to go, but his good old reliable TARDIS had seen him right. He could see it all in his minds eye.

"_I got lost in the vortex, the TARDIS brought me home."_

"_Why did you go back?"_

"_I had to face my fear, that was more important than just going on living."_

"_Please don't die."_

"_A tear? Sarah Jane. No don't cry, while there's life…"_

"…there's hope" the Doctor whispered finishing off the words that his third self hadn't said before he died and regenerated. He wondered if in her final days she had lived in hope. Hope that he would come by and see her, say goodbye one last time.

The second time they had said goodbye, had been far more permanent. She had got annoyed with him, and had bemoaned the lack of human-ness of their existence in the TARDIS. She had stormed off, towards her room and had packed her bags. When she came back he was going to beg her to stay…well maybe not beg, just apologise and ask her to stay. Of course the irony was he had got the call to return home to Gallifrey. He hadn't wanted her to go, but he couldn't take her to there. His people were vultures, they were horrible or at least sneering towards those of species that they considered beneath them. He didn't want to subject Sarah to that, he couldn't subject her to that. So there was only one thing he could do. She had to go home.

"_You're just playing one of your jokes on me. Trying to make me stay."_

"_No, I've received the call and as a Time Lord I must obey."_

"_Alone?"_

"_Yes." he said as they felt the TARDIS land. He could see it in her eyes that she didn't really want to go and she began to rattle on, trying to stall for time. He didn't want her to go, but she had to._

"_And I'll give your love to Harry and the Brigadier, and I can tell Professor Watson that you're alright."_

"_We've landed." he said knowing that if he said too much he'd literally end up on his knees begging her to stay._

"_What? Where?"_

"_South Croydon. Hillview Road to be exact."_

"_That's my home." she said picking up her suitcase. "Don't forget me."_

"_Oh Sarah, don't you forget me," he replied watching as she headed towards the doors._

"_Goodbye Doctor."_

"_Bye."_

"_You know, travel does broaden the mind."_

"_Yes, until we meet again Sarah." he said as she walked out of the TARDIS - and his life. He felt the TARDIS shiver slightly. Don't worry old girl, he thought, Sarah's going to be just fine…._

'Of course she wasn't fine though was she Doctor?' came a voice inside his head that sounded an awful lot like River. He mentally batted it away, he knew he had practically ruined her life. Had caused her to spend years waiting for him, to let life, the chance for a family pass by her. He was grateful that in later years she had gotten that chance, to have a life of her own.

His thoughts then turned to the time they had said goodbye, when they'd both been at Defry Vale. He hadn't been expecting to see her there, and God knows she hadn't been expecting to see him there. Of course that goodbye hadn't been too bad. He had tried not to say goodbye, to give himself the hope that he'd see her again. But she had made him say goodbye. It was because of her forcing him to say goodbye that he now made sure that he always gave his companions a goodbye when they left. Closing his eyes, he could feel the light warmth of the sun reflecting onto his face as they said goodbye in the park.

"_Goodbye Doctor."_

"_Oh it's not goodbye."_

"_You say it please. This time."_

"_Goodbye, my Sarah Jane."_

Of course after that it had seemed like he couldn't get away from her. Not that he minded, it was just that it meant he had to say goodbye to her every time and they never got easier. Every time they said goodbye, it hurt him deep inside as he never knew if it would be the last time he ever saw her. After Defry Vale, the next time he'd said goodbye to her had been on a more happier note, after they had just saved the world from Davros and the new Dalek empire.

"_You know, you act like such a lonely man, but look at you. You've got the biggest family on Earth." she said hugging him. "Gotta go, he's only fourteen. It's a long story. And thank you." she added running down the path waving goodbye as she went._

That was how he would always remember her, smiling, alive. Running towards the next adventure. Or in that case back home to her son, his friends and the life she'd created for herself since he'd seen her at Defry Vale.

One of the last times he'd said goodbye to her in his tenth self was after her aborted wedding. Whenever he looked back on that, he always got a gnawing sense of guilt deep inside him. He had always wished that there was another way for him to have dealt with that. Given her the happily ever after that she never knew she'd wanted until it was too late. Given half the chance he would go back and change time. But the tapestry of time was a fragile thing and there were sometimes he knew that it was best to let things happen as they did regardless of the cost to those left behind. That time, he'd not been far off regeneration and Sarah, ever intuitive, had seemed to guess that something like that was close.

"_Is this the last time I'm ever going to see you?"_

"_I don't know. I hope not."_

"_Well, goodbye Doctor, until the next time."_

"_Don't forget me Sarah."_

"_No-one's ever going to forget you."_

Of course, now those words held a different meaning to him. He had asked her never to forget him and she hadn't. Now he would keep a silent promise he'd made back in his fourth self when she'd left the TARDIS, that he would never forget her. He wasn't planning to and he never would. Sure other companions would come along, but she would always be one of the ones he remembered long after the rest of them were gone.

The last time he'd seen her in his tenth self, he hadn't said anything to her. Not because he didn't want to, but because he couldn't. He'd said many goodbyes before he got to her and he knew that this goodbye would be too much. He'd hurt her so much the last time he'd seen her and he couldn't go to her and say _'goodbye Sarah, I'm going to regenerate again and chances are we'll never meet again_.' All he'd been able to do was to wave to her from across the road. He'd seen the look in her eyes, she knew what was going to happen but she didn't rush after him, beg him to say goodbye again, because he knew that she knew that deep down, he couldn't say goodbye to her. He didn't want to say goodbye to her. He'd never been able to say goodbye to her unless she made him. But this time, he knew she wouldn't make him, so she just stood and watched him go knowing that this probably was the last time she'd see him.

Of course, that hadn't been goodbye. He'd seen her again, this time she had Jo with her. They'd been duped by a rouge UNIT soldier - who was working with the Shansheeth - into believing that he was dead. He had shown up at the Mount Snowdon base and helped them save the day…even though it nearly meant losing both her and Jo in the process. That time when they said goodbye, Sarah hadn't really cared about him saying goodbye. That time it had been about Jo and Jo getting her proper goodbye from him. But all the same he still said goodbye. But this time the goodbye had been filled with promise. A promise that he would see her again. As he'd hugged her goodbye, he'd repeated the words he'd said to her in his fourth incarnation or near enough the same: _'until the next time.'_

It had been a promise he'd fully intended to keep. He'd been planning on going back to see her. To let her meet Amy and Rory Pond along with River. He could only imagine what Sarah's face would have been like when he'd introduced River as his wife. Of course that had never happened. He'd never got the chance to take the Pond family to meet one of his oldest friends. River had been with him when he'd got the call from Luke and Sky. He didn't want to believe it, he couldn't believe it. But he knew that there was no way anyone would joke about something like that. Sure there were heartless people out there, but no one was _that _heartless. River had comforted him while he fell apart. She'd sat back and let him throw things around the console room, to kick things, to take his anger and grief out on the ship, who herself was in mourning. River had never gotten the chance to meet Sarah Jane. Out of all the companions she'd read about while studying the Doctor, she was the one that River had wanted to meet the most. It had been River who told the Doctor that he'd have to say goodbye sometime.

When Amy and Rory had come down into the console room the next morning they had taken a look at the Doctor sat with his back against the console wall, looking deathly pale and River with her arm around his shoulder. Without needing to say anything, Amy had walked straight over to him and pulled him into a hug. Later that day, River had told them cryptically that one day the Doctor was going to need to say goodbye to someone close to him and when he eventually did, he would need them to be there for him.

After a few adventures, the Doctor had decided that he finally needed to say goodbye. He had stopped off at her favourite planet and picked up some flowers before setting the co-ordinates that he wished he'd never have to enter. When they landed, he told Amy and Rory that he needed to do this by himself. Amy had protested but Rory had recognised that the Doctor needed to do this alone and had told Amy to let him go.

As his thoughts returned to the present, he noticed that the sky had clouded over and it looked like it was going to rain. Pulling himself up, he took one last look at the tombstone, knowing he would never come back here. He couldn't come back here it would be too hard for him and it wasn't how he wanted to remember her. He wanted to remember her the way she had been all the previous times he had seen her. So brave, so wonderful, so magnificent, so _alive._ He placed a hand on the top and ran a hand across it.

"Goodbye," he said for the last time "goodbye, my Sarah Jane." he added before turning and walking back towards the TARDIS.

"Who was she Doctor?" Amy asked as the Doctor walked back into the TARDIS. Neither commented on the look on the Doctor's face or the remnants of tears on his cheeks.

"Sarah Jane Smith. An old friend," he replied "my best friend and I loved her deeply." he added typing in a few words on the console that then appeared on the screen.

"Lavinia Smith," Rory said seeing the picture appear "isn't she that virologist, who wrote that paper on the teleological response of the viruses or something like that?"

"Yes she is," the Doctor replied "she's the aunt of my best friend. Lavinia was on a lecture tour in America when I met Sarah, she snuck into UNIT under the guise of her aunt, she stowed away on my TARDIS and the rest was history." he added smiling at the memories. "I'm just making sure that Lavinia actually goes on this lecture tour."

_Nobody said it was easy_

_Oh it's such a shame for us to part_

_Nobody said it was easy_

_No one ever said it would be so hard_

_I'm going back to the start._

He parked the TARDIS in a discreet corner and stood in the doorway as he watched her walk into the scientific research centre. He smiled slightly, she had no idea that her life was about to change in so many ways and she also had no idea that she was going to change his life. He owed her a lot, most of which she wasn't even aware of.

"Tell us about her," Amy said placing a hand on the Doctor's shoulder.

"She was brave in so many ways," he began "I remember when we ended up in the Middle Ages after she'd stowed away…"


End file.
